WOMEN SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER Billy!
Tha's looking for a female companion.
I'm looking to get rid of the wife's sister.
It's the perfect solution.
Oh, I wouldn't say perfect.
She's quite...
well, very nearly, quite attractive.
If you don't mind the warts.
We talked about blemishes.
He's not expecting perfection.
He'd consider loss of leg, going bald.
Still her own teeth.
She's got a full set!
What about facial hair?
Yes. With nearly every wart.
You've got lucky again, Smiler.
Is this uncanny or what?
He doesn't mind warts, do you?
It depends on the bits in between.
The warts are the best bits. But -
she'd be company for you in the winter of your years.
Sounds like another hard winter.
Don't forget your jacket!
Well, let's look at what we've got here.
Billy wants a good home for his wife's sister.
And the wife, if there's room.
Don't be greedy!
The first move is to find someone to soften up your sister-in-law.
I don't think she does soft.
She's a lean, mean, man-eating machine. She terrified Smiler.
He didn't last one round.
She needs something swifter than Smiler.
Who do we know that's irresistible to the ladies?
I'm retired.
Who says Alvin's irresistible to the ladies anyway?
It's just a gift.
If you're born with it, what can you do?
You can use it in the service of your fellow man.
Perhaps you can bring a smile back to Billy's wife's sister.
Smile?
She'll die laughing if he turns up!
We have advantages undreamed of by tall blokes.
No, I've hung up my aftershave, sold my hairpiece.
You need Crowcroft.
Is he between marriages? Again?
He must be.
He's doing his flower-arranging classes again.
That's where he pulls all his old birds.
Let me in, Cleggy!
It's dangerous for husbands out here.
(Cleggy!)
He comes starting down the line, passing two defenders...
How long's he been like this?
Seems longer.
They say they're a comfort in your old age.
I thought that was pets.
Oh, that does sound more plausible.
It gets more like the Costa del Closet every day.
I wonder if Crowcroft could tackle that.
Never mind her, I want to book him for my problem.
I know, but what a wonderful training exercise for him.
If he had to sharpen his skills first on Nora Batty.
Let's do it. I need someone to distract her attention from me.
You can't send Crowcroft up against that.
The man's supposed to be a ladykiller.
There'll be nowt left for my sister-in-law.
Your sister-in-law will look twice as good after Nora's mauled him a bit.
Have you nothing better to do than keep staring at people?
There's a cup left in the pot if you'd care to join us.
I don't think so!
Nora Batty lounging under a brolly with three men?
My lips will stay sealed, I promise you that!
CRASHING FROM OUTSIDE
You're looking for another billet, Crowcroft.
Somewhere to put your feet up, let the little woman take the strain.
Before winter would be nice.
There's no such thing as winter at Mrs Batty's.
Every day is summertime.
Mind you, it can get a bit hot.
Up those steps, Crowcroft, is some of the finest gravy in the Western world.
Does a good gravy, does she?
And her puddings aren't bad either.
But is she attractive? To mosquitoes maybe!
Pay no heed. Anyway, does attractive really matter at your age?
It better be really good gravy.
The finest. And she keeps the house spotless.
But I'm used to attractive, you see.
I did all my training on attractive.
Do you fancy a drink? That sounds attractive.
Ah, the boys in blue.
What adventurous and, dare I say it, romantic lives you must lead.
We've been looking through a dustbin for evidence.
We washed our hands!
Heavens! Did you find your evidence?
Aye, covered in sardine paste.
I thought it was crab.
Mine was sardine. The grey bits were crab.
How could you tell?
Police powers of observation.
We did the fish paste course at Police College.
Passed everything but anchovy.
Well, they're going to let us retake anchovy.
Can you stick this where the good citizens can see it?
Yes, of course! Oh!
What wickedness is he wanted for?
He looks a brute.
That's the chief constable.
Oh!
Brutes are our business.
You get used to putting your life on the line.
I'd love to hear your stories.
Official secrets.
National security.
CAR TOOTS
Look at the security she'd offer.
Your own bouncer and it cooks and cleans. I bet it bites.
And I bet it goes septic.
Ignore him.
You could soften her up, Crowcroft.
She'd be putty in your hands.
Accept the challenge, Crowcroft. It could be your finest hour.
And your last.
Are you ordering or are you just taking advantage of the facilities?
Four of your delicious teas please, Ivy.
Make that three!
I'll have to go. It's very kind of you to think of me, but a chap can't live off gravy alone.
Don't judge her by the way she looks now.
She usually wears curlers.
Is that him that does the flowers?
So I believe.
Although I think he may have just lost a few petals.
Of course, I've never been married.
There's no of course about it.
You must be exceptionally quick on your feet.
I never knew I had a husband until he went back to his wife.
It must be wonderful.
After a day's work, knowing there's someone waiting.
For his tea. And a shirt ironing.
I bet you wouldn't exchange it for a lonely single life.
Can you exchange it just like that?
Oh, the library service is improving.
It used to be just books that you could exchange here.
Flower arranging?
Is Crowcroft between lodgings again?
If it's company you're looking for...
I've already had one bad experience with Mr Crowcroft.
Oh, you want to pick yourself up and get back into the saddle.
I never really trust men with bow-ties.
How about bow legs? They're not so reliable either.
No, I can't say I like bow legs.
But by the time they're drawn to your attention, it's too late for changing your mind.
I think it's very rude when people speak so low you can't overhear.
I hate it when customers whisper.
You never know whether they're complaining or on about something much more interesting.
Pull up a chair, Mrs Batty.
So, what do we do now?
Crowcroft's gone.
We've lost him. He was nearly there.
One final push and we'd have had him.
We forgot Nora's fruit cake.
Is it any good?
Any good?
If she was of a more seductive nature, there'd be people leaving home for Nora Batty's fruit cake.
It's OK at supper time, but what about after?
You'd have to shut your eyes and think of breakfast.
Is that nice or is that nice?
It is, it is nice.
Don't you wish you could make a nice flower arrangement? Me?
I'm more for your contact sports - sweaty cricket pants.
You'd be able to brighten up your office.
The district manager thinks I'm a tulip already.
You're allowed to show your more sensitive side.
Not in a building society.
I think flower arranging is a nice skill for a person to have.
Maybe, but if you've got me spotted for that kind of thing
I'll have to stop shaving and roughen up the edges.
Oh, Barry!
I want you to get me a shirt with fast food and beer stains on it.
This should make her feel challenged.
Passable. Not bad for shop-bought.
You think fruit cake's going to make all that difference to Crowcroft?
Not just any fruit cake.
Have you ever tasted Nora's fruit cake?
A recipe with origins lost in the mists of time.
Why do you think the Vikings used to come here?
Looting and violence.
I thought that was Manchester United.
Only on Saturdays.
Weekdays it was the Vikings.
But they only used to pretend they came looking for looting and violence.
Did a good pretend, didn't they?!
That was only their cover story.
So they could go back home, swaggering about how butch they all were.
The truth is, what they really came for was fruit cake.
Never mentioned in the Viking histories, though, was it?
No, because they'd eaten it all before they got back home.
You'll not pull on an empty stomach.
It all began when some big Viking came roaring down that hill over there looking for women.
At first he was disappointed - they all looked like your missus.
That I can believe.
But then - he discovered their fruit cake.
What have you got there?
Alvin is kindly introducing us to this truly delicious fruit cake.
Sits very nicely on the palate.
I didn't make it but I can recommend it.
Feels a bit dry. Oh, I wouldn't say dry.
Oh, you must have had a sad upbringing.
Oh, wait here!
I'll show you fruit cake!
It's you.
It's me every day, Howard.
I thought you knew.
I saw you bending over
and from behind I thought, that's never Auntie Wainwright.
I hope you thought the same from the front.
Are you completely in charge?
Well, there's not a lot happening that would make a girl lose control.
Of the shop. Oh, of the shop!
Yes, fully in charge while Auntie's away at the auction.
So, I'm free to browse? Well...
Up to a point, Howard.
The shop. Oh, the shop.
Yes, customers are free to browse.
Are you interested in antiques?
I am.
Suddenly I am. Good!
She's been dying to get rid of that horrible old boat.
Would you care to step inside?
What've you got there?
A secret ancient substance.
A very powerful love potion guaranteed to bring results.
You can ask the ladies.
I'm pretty magical as it is.
I don't need stuff like that.
It didn't do the old man of Gomersall any harm.
Seventeen wives. Seventeen?
Counting near misses.
Just before he died, they asked him, what was his secret?
What is it?
It's witchcraft.
That's all I'm saying.
You've been warned.
When he takes the lid off, keep well back.
One whiff up the unprepared nostril, you're a slave for life.
Never mind the advertising, what is it?
A secret handed down through the generations.
Forget your magic mushrooms.
People come back disappointed from Tibet because they've failed to find something like this.
Fruit cake?
Not just any fruit cake.
The lost fruit cake of the ancients.
Stonehenge was raised in honour of it.
The Egyptians never discovered it.
It owes nothing to the wisdom of the East.
The Chinese disregarded it because it wouldn't go bang.
It was only in the wilds of Yorkshire
that certain sacred females used it for its uncanny powers over men.
Get thee tonsils wrapped round this.
Now, many like it with butter.
And others...
with a knob of cheese.
And the French think THEY know all about love!
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
Could be warning - some mysterious powers saying go no further, maybe accident.
Or it could be this is just a clapped-out truck.
That's a possible explanation.
Which one of you lads good for mending motor vehicles?
Ah, I'm more your literary artistic type.
I always rely on our Eric.
He's a mechanic.
Good. How long before your Eric could be here?
Quite a while.
He's in New Zealand.
We're nearly at the top. You push, I'll steer.
You can steer? Well, look at it this way.
I'm closer than New Zealand.
Wah-heyyy!
Yes! Ha-ha-ha!
Wooo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha.
Yeeeeeee! Wahey!
Well, I think we've cracked it.
He liked her fruit cake.
He likes his pop.
I don't know whether he is dizzy from fire water or fruit cake.
Where's he got to? We can't have him running loose in that condition!
Weee-heee!
Yeeeeees! Yes!
Whooo! Ha-ha-ha! Oooo!
Yes! Weeeee!
What condition?
This is not a productive use of a literary artistic type.
I always found you to be fairly pushy.
Oh, now it's all coming out.
Is Auntie sure she released handbrake?
Handbrake? Release handbrake!
These things are tricky.
No wonder your Eric went to New Zealand.
Apply handbrake! Apply handbrake!
Make your mind up.
I can't help wondering why I'm going in this direction.
Apply handbrake!
Oh, he's handbrake mad! I daren't take my hands of this wheel.
You're wondering why I'm driving at this steady pace.
No, I'm not.
I were wondering if Einstein's revision of Newtonian physics
would itself be revised at some future date.
We did that yesterday.
I'm driving steady because I love the effect on drivers behind us
who get nervous about passing a police car.
She didn't look all that nervous.
All right, what are you up to?
I'll have the lie first, then we'll get down to the truth.
Scouring the town for some little gift for the lady in my life.
I'm glad it's not for me!
Course it's for you!
I was thinking, what would Pearl like?
And there it was.
Is that what you think of me?
An old battleship?
It's a genuine antique.
And you'll find it floats.
If I find out what put that smile on your face,
we'll find out if YOU float.
No scratches, people, please.
All scratches to be reported to the management.
We must help that poor old lady, he says.
I didn't know she were mother of Attila the Hun.
Right, ready when you are, Crowcroft.
I'm ready, although I could have done with another slice.
There's plenty more where that came from.
This is unfair.
My sister-in-law's a terrible cook.
What's she going to be able to offer him?
What's her outstanding feature? Warts.
Oliver Cromwell had warts.
You'd better help Crowcroft. He's a Roundhead.
There are worse things than warts.
Don't ask me to expand on that.
I hope he's as good as he thinks he is.
Nobody's good as he thinks he is.
Some of us are better.
Right, here we go.
Watch the talent in action, lads.
One, two, three...
THEY PLAY MOON RIVER ON COMBS
A bit less volume now, lads. I want her to catch every golden word.
Is that her?
It is! In the flesh. The widow Batty.
Oh, my Nora, my dreamboat.
Perfection in a floral pinny.
Right, give us a big burst, lads.
Bags of passion.
By her expression, we've got her wondering.
Right, volume down.
Here we go.
You're wondering who it is, Nora.
I'll tell you who it is.
It's Mr Right, come to relieve you from your lonely widowhood.
I'm coming up, lass, open your door.
We've been apart too long.
Open your heart, girl.
Let the magic in. Yes, the magic.
You thought it was too late, didn't you?
Be honest, you did. You thought you were past it.
It's not too late. I'm here, Nora!
She's going, lads.
I've got her. Right, more volume.
Give it some stick!
It's here, Nora. At your door.
Companionship, perfection.
Someone to care for.
Someone to bake for.
It's all here, Nora.
Mr Long Overdue, finally knocking at your door.
He's made it inside.
I never thought he'd get that far.
I hope he's pacing himself.
I never thought she'd fall for a chat line like that.
It was terrible!
Probably the moustache.
They like a moustache.
You can't call that a moustache.
More like a dead eyelash.
If he's not out of there in two minutes, that's it.
I'm giving him up for dead.
Or even worse.
Crowcroft?
I'm sorry, I'm a stranger here myself.
What happened up there?
Have you ever been really terrified?
Oh!
What did Crowcroft make of your sister-in-law?
He never made it that far.
Broke his nerve on Nora Batty.
You sent him up against Nora Batty?
We gave him every chance.
We were playing Moon River.
I was playing Moon River. I don't know what this lot were playing.
You wouldn't get past Nora Batty's first curler with one Moon River.
So, Crowcroft.... I mean, how is he?
Well, he was looking much better when he said goodbye.
Goodbye?
Where's he going?
Into a monastery, he said. In Peru.
Maybe it's nice in Peru. Maybe there are no warts in Peru.
I must admit, I've never seen a Peruvian with a wart.
I was only thinking so this morning.
I suppose we've led such sheltered lives.
You get to our age and you've never seen a Peruvian with a wart.
Subtitles BBC Broadcast 2005